by Wade Wallerstein

News Editor

            Valentine’s Day is not real. Sorry to burst your bubble, but all of those cynical, single tv show characters who complain about the evils of a false, consumerist holiday are 100 percent correct. Valentine’s Day was invented by greeting card companies, jewelers, and chocolate manufacturers to boost sales during the “dry” season between the end of the December holidays and the beginning of the summer season (it’s true; I work in a mall). It’s ingenious really; developing marketing strategies centered around a holiday that prior to the 20th century was virtually unheard of and that targets all of the insecurities of naive couples.

            So, why do we celebrate this day? Because it’s cute? Is it really that cute when you see boys giving their girlfriends giant, ugly red teddy bears and chocolates that look like they’d taste like llama spit? No, it’s not. At all.

Honey, if you really need to validate your relationship with a bracelet that your boyfriend paid for with his mom’s debit card and a dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, then I strongly encourage you re-examine your priorities. This Valentine’s Day, cool it with the cliché and celebrate the relationship that you have in a way that’s actually meaningful and doesn’t give everyone around you acid reflux.

1.) Don’t buy dumb gifts. Does he/she really need those chocolates? Swimsuit season is just around the corner. What the heck are they going to do with a giant teddy bear? I guess use it for fuel in the case of a nuclear holocaust? If you feel the need to splurge on a gift this Valentine’s Day, get your significant other something meaningful - something that’s an inside joke between the two of you or that represents a memory that you share. Boys: if you’re going to buy jewelry, please don’t do it alone. The last thing your significant other needs is some ugly fake gold nonsense that they feel obligated to wear. Take your mom to the mall or ask one of the nice employees at Nordstrom to help you out. Alternatively, flowers are simple, symbolic, and always appreciated.

2.) Don’t plan a cheesy, dripping romantic date. Don’t plan a scavenger hunt, don’t cover her bed in rose petals, don’t be THAT guy. Yeah, I guess it’s cute or whatever but it’s also nauseating. You really don’t want your significant other puking on the harpist you hired to play renditions of Taylor Swift. I don’t even care if she thinks it’s cute, I’ll puke on the harpist for her. Keep it simple. Do something low key that you guys would have done on any other night. Valentine’s Day is a lie and you’re a fool for buying into it, remember that.

3.) Don’t be afraid to share responsibility. Valentine’s Day is not an excuse for the last 200 years of women’s activism to fly out the window. Girls: you’re allowed to help plan the date. You’re allowed to help pay for whatever dumb restaurant you go to. This will also help prevent boys from making a fool out of themselves

4.) Same-sex couples: don’t do that whole “Valentine’s Day is for everyone! We have to take a stand!” thing and then paint your bodies rainbow and eat at Maggiano’s wearing duct tape instead of clothes. It’s tacky. Go out to dinner, have a nice date, don’t act like a fool.

5.) Stay respectful. Girls: don’t wear hoochie dresses, lingerie, and massive amounts of make up to go strutting your stuff up and down the Cheesecake Factory. Yes, your boyfriend may be a scumbag and you may be trying to catch the attention of every other boy at the restaurant as a secret cry for help, but Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about you and your significant other. Here’s another opportunity to reassess your life decisions thus far.

6.) Boys: Keep your hands off of your date. You look like a sex offender when your hands are literally touching your date every second the entire night. You don’t need to walk on top of each other - holding hands will suffice. Save the more intimate interactions for a more intimate environment.

For all the single ladies out there: you’ve made it - Valentine’s Day is the best day of the year. For one entire day you are allowed to sit on your tuchus, watch embarrassing movies that feature your favorite hot actor (17 Again anyone?), shovel pints of Ben n’ Jerry’s down your throat, cry, and dwell on the horrendous state of your love life. Get ready gals, I’ve cleared a spot on my couch just for you!

Overall, don’t be a fool this Valentine’s Day. Follow my guide, stay respectful, and have a Valentine’s Day that for once isn’t absolutely repulsive.