by Ben West
News Editor
   With spring just around the corner, and summer on its way, many people have probably already started thinking about their beach bodies, or lack thereof. While a healthy diet and exercise regime is one way to achieve the ideal body, plastic surgery is another sensible option. Though many may be wondering where they could possibly find the money for the expensive procedures required to make themselves presentable to the world at large, there is a simple solution to the problem of cost, and we here at El Gato are letting you in on this secret, free of charge. Without further ado, we proudly present Plastic Surgery With Kitchen Utensils.

Nose Job:

    A hideous hooked nose is no way to catch the eye of your desired mate (excepting of course if your desired mate is a bird, in which case you have greater problems than physical attractiveness and should really talk to someone qualified to help you). However, a nose job is costly and, worse, leaves unattractive black marks under your eyes. Why go through all the trouble when you can simply walk into your friendly neighborhood kitchen, grab the nearest potato peeler, and peel away the undesired parts of your nose? What you do with the shavings when you finish is up to you, but experience and experimentation has proved that nose peelings can easily be made into nose fritters.

Liposuction:

   Beach bodies in motion, as a general rule, should not make more waves than the sea itself. If your love handles move like a cosine graph when you run in slow motion towards an attractive lifeguard, more likely than not you’ll end up harpooned like the whale you are. Never fear though, for a simple liposuction procedure will rid you of your rolls. All that is required for this stripped-down surgery are some kitchen scissors, a turkey baster, and a small (or large) bowl. After making a small incision over the area where you wish to rid yourself of your fat, simply insert the turkey baster and suction away your bulk, emptying the baster into the bowl as required. A simple band-aid should suffice to cover the incision in your skin while it heals. As an added bonus, all of that fat can probably be made into gravy!

Fake Tan:

    What could be worse than going to the beach and being mistook for a beached whale? Why, blinding everyone with your professionally can cost upwards of I couldn’t be bothered to research an amount, a fake tan done in the kitchen costs just a fraction of that. To get to the perfect shade of well done, simply preheat your oven to 250 degrees. While it is warming up, spread a thin layer of cooking oil over your body with a basting brush. When the oven has finished preheating, simply climb in, close the door, and wait for your skin to turn a beautiful shade of homemade brown. Should this procedure go horribly wrong for some reason that would definitely be your having misinterpreted my impeccable advice, you will at least have left your family a nice, home-cooked meal by which to remember you. Their tears of sadness will properly salt the meat of your body.

Small Disclaimer: The FDA has not yet approved any of the procedures listed above. To avoid the spread of disease, always remember to wash your hands before handling yourself.